May He Bless You

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, hard hearts, half-truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart where God's Spirit dwells.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world and in your neighborhood, so that you will courageously try what you don't think you can do, but in Jesus Christ you'll have the strength necessary to do.

May God bless you so that you remember we are all called to continue God's redemptive work of loving and healing in God's place, in and through God's name, in God's Spirit, continually creating and breathing new life and grace into everything and everyone we touch.

-Old Franciscan Blessing

My Gift

Charlotte Grace. Her name means free, undeserved gift. I don't think we could have chosen a more suitable name for our daughter. She became a daughter to two people who were grieving. Losing a pregnancy is never easy. Losing two is just about unbearable. I still remember the morning I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte. My calloused heart nearly cursed God because I was so sure I would lose her too. "Why are you doing this to me? Giving me these gifts only to take them away so quickly!!" I crawled back in to bed and told Raj we were pregnant again and the agony of waiting began. I wouldn't let myself be excited. Every time someone would offer their congratulations I would reply with a "We'll see". God's grace is too much because before I knew it we were seeing her on the ultrasound screen looking as healthy and God-created as ever. I was stunned. I had convinced myself we would lose her. We got in the car and started listening to Jesus Culture's "Your Love Never Fails" and it hit me how much I had put a wall up between my heart and God, and between myself and Charlotte. Tears began to fall and I knew God was speaking clearly to me that His love had never changed and I needed to trust Him. My pain became a barrier instead of a bridge to my heart. That may sound cheesy but it's the best metaphor I can conjure up. That was a year ago and now I type this with a Charlotte Grace sleeping in crib. Having her has been a healing for me. To have a constant reminder that she is not mine, but His. That she is a precious gift from a gracious and merciful Giver. That her very existence is not based on my ability but by the will of God alone. That my love for her is only a HINT of the love He has for His people. That He indeed can make beautiful things out of dust. That hardship is necessary to fully appreciate the good times. That His timing and His ways are PERFECT. That I do not deserve to hold her and call her my own but I do because God is an abundantly gracious God. He has used her life to push me closer to Christ and for that I am grateful.

Time to Unpack

As I sit here typing on our laptop, sitting next to my husband, I am grateful. These past few years have been a whirlwind and life continues to be a bit crazy but I can't help but be thankful for the pruning and shaping God has done in our lives. I'm looking forward to spending some time here unpacking some of that so I can get an even greater understanding of what He is doing in me. It's a bit scary to think about sharing all that I am learning and have learned but I welcome the growth.

New Developments

Kim, you inspired me.

I'm in.

Blogging is a happening.

Just a catch up...

Reading: Radical by David Platt and Luke

Watching: Lots of The West Wing! Man, I love that show!

Spending my time: Working, working, working. More than working, though, I'm just thinking about this new life growing inside of me. I can't believe she will be here in a few months! The thoughts and feelings I have deserve their own post so I won't try to convey these things.

I hope I can keep this blogging thing up. I have some exciting things coming up and I can't wait to share all that is happening!

Mother's Day

I'm posting this a day late but I need to get something off my chest. Yesterday was Mother's Day and it was different than any Mother's Day I've ever celebrated before. Every other year I've been eager to celebrate the ladies in my life who have been "Mother" to me in some way or another but yesterday was the first time I thought of all the women who hurt on Mother's Day. Hurt because they can't be a mother or who have lost their mother or who are estranged from their mother, etc. I don't want to be a downer on a day that is sweetly celebrated for many. Really, I don't. Yesterday, though, I struggled with the fact that I lost two pregnancies this year and couldn't celebrate being a mom. Next year, maybe take the time to send a text or a say a sweet thing to a friend you know is not celebrating but grieving on that Sunday.

Everyday May

Oh my. I can't believe it's been since August that I blogged! I'm getting a late start but I am choosing to partake in this thing "Everyday May" blogging challenge. I do declare (said in my best impersonation of Michael Scott impersonating a southern detective) that I will blog everyday this month. Let it be so. What should I write about? Help me out!

How Sweet the Sound

I think grace is so beautiful. In his book, What's So Amazing About Grace?, Philip Yancey states that grace is the last truly good word left. I would agree. I've been witness to the impact of both grace and ungrace (which I'm sure isn't a word). If you think about it, nothing bad ever comes from a situation when grace is the victor. Grace isn't taught or practiced enough. In our society, if one feels injured by another, it is that person's right to hold it against the injuring party. The problem with that equation is that the injured party all of a sudden becomes as guilty as the one who initially injured them. The only way to change the outcome is to not engage in the hurt and sin the other party began. When I read in Hebrews 12 not to let any "seed of bitterness creep in", I take that to mean it's for my good not to engage in the cycle of bitterness and "ungrace". More than that, it brings God glory when I choose to love and chose to show grace. I suppose, for the believer, it is only that much more our duty to choose grace because we know grace is what saved us. Grace is what keeps us from being utterly worthless and disgusting in the eyes of our Father. In Ezekiel, God spoke about how it wasn't because Israel was anything to be desired that He chose them but quite the opposite. There was no question that it was by His unmerited favor that He decided to make an everlasting covenant. In the same way, we experience that unmerited favor daily from the Lord. Why wouldn't we show that kind of grace to others? It's not simple and it is not easy but it is beautiful. I've seen my family be torn a part because of the unwillingness to show grace. Pride and hurt feelings dictated the course of action which led to years of pain that we can never get back. Something unexpected happened about two years ago, though, a shift of sorts. My family started to choose grace and forgiveness. In the last two years, I have seen the most beautiful transformation take place. Everything changed! The heaviness in their voices changed to something loving and light. Even physically, changes started to take place! Lines started to disappear, laughter invaded the lips, light shone in the eyes, youthful innocence settled in to the places where hurt and pride previously resided. It was like a light all of a sudden came over them. Lets start living from a place of grace. The world needs us to be grace.