Uninspired

I don't feel like I have anything to write about today. I am feeling tired, so instead of writing I will rest. That's what weekends are for, right? Blessings to you.

Humility

"To be a Christian is to be an imitator of Jesus. In what can we imitate him if not in his humiliation? Nothing else can bring us near to him. We may adore him as omnipotent, fear him as just, love him with all our heart as good and merciful, but we can only imitate him as humble, submissive, poor, and despised. Let us not imagine we can do this by our own efforts. Everything in us is opposed to it; but we may rejoice that God is present within us.

O lovely Jesus! You suffered so many injuries and reproaches for my sake. Let me cherish and love them for your sake, and help me desire to share your life of humiliation."

-Francois Fenelon Talking With God


I was really convicted by this reading a couple days ago. Adoring, fearing, and loving Jesus are all good things. It should happen if you call yourself a Christian. I think I have stopped there sometimes, though, and it has not produced the fruit I would like in my life. It conjures up good feelings. It makes me feel good and fuzzy and in love with Jesus. Again, not bad things at all! But when you stop there and let go of the truth of His words that we will suffer if we follow Him we make an idol of the emotional byproduct of knowing Jesus. Instead of humbling myself, I stop when I get the fuzzies, and that isn't what He had in mind when He was suffering on our behalf.

So I try to humble myself. I fail. I try again. I fail. I keep "doing"  this until I realize that I'm still not getting it. Thinking I can humble myself with my own strength is pride hidden. The opposite of humility. So I just lower head. Pray for grace and the eyes of my Savior.

Sanctification and Pee

Charlotte woke up a total of 5 times last night. One of those times, I felt her and realized she had soaked through her onesie, sleeper, and swaddle blanket. So, at 3am I was doing a full on change which woke her up. She then decided (against my objections) that it was time to play, so we were up for about an hour together. As tired as I am today (and as much as I look forward to a full nights sleep again) I am realizing more and more that God gave me Charlotte not because He knew it would make me happy,  but because He knew it would sanctify me. He knew I would cling to Jesus more because, man, it's tough. Sacrifice of comfort is the name of the game when it comes to raising a child and I'm fairly certain I haven't even gotten to the tough parts yet. Sacrifice is not something I am used to. Sure, marriage had been a lesson of sacrifice but I have a husband who puts me to shame when it comes to love and being a blessing. It's not that hard which makes me think I don't sacrifice too much in that relationship because we are there for one another so much. It's not that hard when your husband is amazing.

Being woken up in the middle of the night to put a pacifier back in is hard sometimes. Being spit up on right after you showered (for the first time in days!) is hard almost all the time. Having your food go cold because your baby woke up (again) is hard. All of that is hard but really, it's nothing compared to the internal stuff. It's acknowledging the fact that all of that stuff is hard because I put myself first. I'm selfish. I want to be comfortable. I don't welcome hard things. I lack discipline. I lack. I lack. And I lack some more. I can't muster up the smiles or joy or compassion on my own. Not because I don't love my daughter. I do. More than I could have possibly imagined. We're talking God-given love that is so beautiful it hurts sometimes. That's the crazy part to me. I mean, I LOVE Charlotte so much yet I still can't display that love for her in my actions all the time. I fail. I get frustrated. I have never been more aware of my sin and the effect it has on another. And it sucks.

But this is when my lacking and my sin meet Christ. I don't stay there. I can't. He has called me to walk in the newness of life. So I do. Every day I am making tiny steps for me, for my husband, for my daughter, and ultimately for the glory of Christ, towards holiness. Sanctification is the actual hard part. Not sleep deprivation. And I'm thankful for it.

And So We Meet Again

Running shoes, I'm sorry I haven't used you in a awhile. Stop looking at me like that. Fine! More than awhile...more like a year. Are you happy now? You may have given up on me. Thinking I will never use you again. Well, think again! Tomorrow marks a new beginning to our relationship. You will be worked. You will be tired. Your soles may wear out. Your may get dirty. But know that your work is not futile. You will help me strengthen and tone whatever muscle I have left. I promise I will do my best to take care of you as you will be doing the same for me. We have a 9am date and I promise not to break it. Blogger is my witness.

Sincerely,
Your pathetic yet optimistic owner

Happy 3 Months Charlotte!

Charlotte is 3 months old today! I can't believe how quickly the time is passing! So far, Charlotte has learned to play/grab her toy, babble (a lot!), roll from tummy to back, smile a bunch, and laugh. She is a joy!

Taken earlier today! Happy 3 months sweet girl! :)

The Utah Experience

The hubs and I met for coffee with a mentor of ours this past week. He shared about a friend in Utah who was planting a church in a city well known for polygamy. For those of you who are reading and are unfamiliar with the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) you can read about them here. As we were talking, he was sharing how the elders of the church are marrying off young girls to men, performing the marriage ceremony in the girl's absence and later letting the girl's father know that she was married the night before. The girl then has no choice and is given over to her "husband" and is rarely seen from again by her family.She is a slave. He also shared how the leader of the group has forbidden sexual relationships between a husband and wife unless it is for procreation purposes. The only way they would be able to enforce such a ridiculous law they would, of course,have to witness any sexual intercourse that would take place. The elders watch. 

My stomach tightened as I heard him share about what was going on. These women (and by women, I mean girls who are in the age group, of say, Justin Beiber's fan club) are slaves. The young boys are being dropped off at the Arizona/Utah border in the middle of the night because there aren't enough girls to go around. Husbands and wives have to perform for an audience in the name "doing the will of the Prophet". This isn't happening in a third world country with ancient customs. This is happening in our back yard. 

My heart has been heavy since hearing these things. It's not the first time I heard stories like this. It isn't uncommon to see a polygamist family every now and then here. There are shows that try to downplay the rape, incest, and slavery that takes place within the walls of many of these homes. Some people try to protest laws that outlaw polygamy because it's messing with their rights. To that I say protest on behalf of the women and children who are trapped and stop making this a political debate. Sometimes it feels like I live in a bubble because before I moved to Utah, I didn't think much about the news reports when the raid happened at their compound. I didn't hear much about it to be honest but that all changed when we heard the stories here. If this is the first time you are reading about this, I ask that you inform yourself about what is going on. I also ask that you pray. Pray for those that are trapped. Pray for those that are brave enough to escape. Pray for those on the front lines who are putting themselves in danger by helping the escapees rebuild their lives. Pray that this might end. 

Overlooking the city at Ensign Peak last year

Weekly Update

I don't have a lot of time to blog today. I will just write a couple things that are happening/have happened this week!

-Charlotte learned to laugh! Oh my, I don't think there is a cuter sound!
-Raj has been sick the last couple days. Not fun.
-I'm re-reading Francois Fenelon's Talking With God and it has been so refreshing!
-I also started to read Romans again. Sadly, it's been awhile since I've been reading my Bible on a consistent schedule but I'm thankful that I have started back up again! It's amazing how quickly your heart starts to soften when God's Word is read.
-I wore my hair in what Raj called a "1940's-ish hair style" and received multiple compliments. Point taken. Do my hair more often. :)
-I've been listening to Sovereign Grace's All I Have is Christ on repeat for the past week.
-I'm just now recognizing how many things I put in front of my relationship with Jesus. Good, but convicting.
-I have been living in my new vintage style t-shirts from Old Navy. New mommies who need some extra soft, comfy, but cute shirts look no further! :)

That's all I have. Hope you have a great weekend!