Sanctification and Pee

Charlotte woke up a total of 5 times last night. One of those times, I felt her and realized she had soaked through her onesie, sleeper, and swaddle blanket. So, at 3am I was doing a full on change which woke her up. She then decided (against my objections) that it was time to play, so we were up for about an hour together. As tired as I am today (and as much as I look forward to a full nights sleep again) I am realizing more and more that God gave me Charlotte not because He knew it would make me happy,  but because He knew it would sanctify me. He knew I would cling to Jesus more because, man, it's tough. Sacrifice of comfort is the name of the game when it comes to raising a child and I'm fairly certain I haven't even gotten to the tough parts yet. Sacrifice is not something I am used to. Sure, marriage had been a lesson of sacrifice but I have a husband who puts me to shame when it comes to love and being a blessing. It's not that hard which makes me think I don't sacrifice too much in that relationship because we are there for one another so much. It's not that hard when your husband is amazing.

Being woken up in the middle of the night to put a pacifier back in is hard sometimes. Being spit up on right after you showered (for the first time in days!) is hard almost all the time. Having your food go cold because your baby woke up (again) is hard. All of that is hard but really, it's nothing compared to the internal stuff. It's acknowledging the fact that all of that stuff is hard because I put myself first. I'm selfish. I want to be comfortable. I don't welcome hard things. I lack discipline. I lack. I lack. And I lack some more. I can't muster up the smiles or joy or compassion on my own. Not because I don't love my daughter. I do. More than I could have possibly imagined. We're talking God-given love that is so beautiful it hurts sometimes. That's the crazy part to me. I mean, I LOVE Charlotte so much yet I still can't display that love for her in my actions all the time. I fail. I get frustrated. I have never been more aware of my sin and the effect it has on another. And it sucks.

But this is when my lacking and my sin meet Christ. I don't stay there. I can't. He has called me to walk in the newness of life. So I do. Every day I am making tiny steps for me, for my husband, for my daughter, and ultimately for the glory of Christ, towards holiness. Sanctification is the actual hard part. Not sleep deprivation. And I'm thankful for it.