My Gift

Charlotte Grace. Her name means free, undeserved gift. I don't think we could have chosen a more suitable name for our daughter. She became a daughter to two people who were grieving. Losing a pregnancy is never easy. Losing two is just about unbearable. I still remember the morning I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte. My calloused heart nearly cursed God because I was so sure I would lose her too. "Why are you doing this to me? Giving me these gifts only to take them away so quickly!!" I crawled back in to bed and told Raj we were pregnant again and the agony of waiting began. I wouldn't let myself be excited. Every time someone would offer their congratulations I would reply with a "We'll see". God's grace is too much because before I knew it we were seeing her on the ultrasound screen looking as healthy and God-created as ever. I was stunned. I had convinced myself we would lose her. We got in the car and started listening to Jesus Culture's "Your Love Never Fails" and it hit me how much I had put a wall up between my heart and God, and between myself and Charlotte. Tears began to fall and I knew God was speaking clearly to me that His love had never changed and I needed to trust Him. My pain became a barrier instead of a bridge to my heart. That may sound cheesy but it's the best metaphor I can conjure up. That was a year ago and now I type this with a Charlotte Grace sleeping in crib. Having her has been a healing for me. To have a constant reminder that she is not mine, but His. That she is a precious gift from a gracious and merciful Giver. That her very existence is not based on my ability but by the will of God alone. That my love for her is only a HINT of the love He has for His people. That He indeed can make beautiful things out of dust. That hardship is necessary to fully appreciate the good times. That His timing and His ways are PERFECT. That I do not deserve to hold her and call her my own but I do because God is an abundantly gracious God. He has used her life to push me closer to Christ and for that I am grateful.